The Day After Christmas

Christmas is finally complete. The kids opened their presents, we finished the cake, and we lit candles today at Mommy's.

It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. We actually had a wonderful Noche Buena and had relatives over for Christmas lunch. I was gearing myself up for the worst—crying at midnight, silence at the dinner table, a lonely Christmas.

But true to Alcaraz tradition (this family's, anyway), we ended the night watching really stupid and funny videos on YouTube (we watched The Ring on Christmas Eve some years ago—all of the Japanese ones. We're sort of weird like that.), laughing and having a fun night together. It was different, but not at all sad. And for that, I'm very grateful.

I super miss my mom but I know she must be having one hell (oops, heaven?) of a good time with the birthday boy. Anong binatbat ng Noche Buena dito, kung kinakantahan niya ng "Happy Birthday" mismo yung may birthday, diba? Must be a blast. (:

Almost but not quite

via PostSecret

Buy less, love more

I just finished shopping for half of my gifts, when I saw this video on Cecile's blog. Makes you think twice about heading to the mall and buying "toys they don't need" or "that sweater she won't like."

Best. Episode. Ever.

I love you, show. Why must ABC cancel you??? WHY?

PS
Olive totally rules Pushing Daisies.

The First Christmas

Today's the first day of December. Look up at the sky tonight and it seems like the moon is smiling down at us. Almost like it's being reassuring.

Christmas used to be something to look forward to. Usually, our house would have Christmas decor by November. The tree would be up by my birthday. We'd have pretty white lights above our garage with the capiz parol that's been with us for years now.

But until now, there is no tree. Half of our stuff's been moved out, but it seems like we're still spending our Christmas here in this house. In this half-empty house.

I went to the mall tonight with Daddy and my brother in hopes of getting some holiday shopping done—I ended up buying more stuff for myself/the kitchen than gifts for people. And I remembered how we'd always shop for gifts on the 24th, because Mommy would always say that there would be less people. That and well, we've always been last-minute in most things.

I know I should have expected to feel this way. But it still feels odd and unfamiliar to me. When I sit in the living room with my Daddy on Sunday afternoons, I realize how lonely it must be for him. This house is too big for us now. The space seems to have expanded somehow. And when I asked him today if talking about her makes him sad, I almost wish I didn't, because he looked away, trying not to cry.

Sometimes I wonder if it'll ever get easier. If I'll ever get used to it.

Everybody I know says I'm too forgiving

I could think of a million ways
You proved you weren't the one

Stop this train

Two years ago, I stopped celebrating my birthday with a party. But my friends apparently had birthday party withdrawal and a boy had just broken my heart, so they threw me a surprise party. They told me, my birthday party was already a ritual (I've been having it since I turned 16.), a reunion. I couldn't not have it.

Last year, I cried on my birthday week. Cried every day of the week. Something about turning 25 depressed me. I don't know why. (I'm over that, don't worry.)

Fast forward to tonight, the eve of my 26th birthday, I am neither happy or sad. I guess, I'm grateful at best. November started out great for me and the blessings just keep on pouring. But part of me misses the time when two weeks before my birthday, I'd list down all my guests (which my mom would take and plan a menu around) and compose a text message to send out the weekend before the party. Mommy loved entertaining at home—no matter how much she'd rant while preparing for it. She'd prepare pasta with three different kind of sauces one year, and her yummy lasagna the next. We'd have a garage-full of people and back in high school, my friends and I would walk once around the village park and talk.

Now, I didn't even think of doing anything for my birthday. Not even lunch or dinner with family. All I really want to do is spend a few hours tomorrow with Mommy. Then, maybe bake myself birthday cupcakes.

All I Want...

Because Stephie said it was fun, I'm posting a wish list, too. And none of that "world peace" cheesy stuff. A real materialistic wish list, with things I probably won't get, but look nice on the computer screen.

Hahaha. And if I'm lucky enough, maybe some kind soul will stumble upon this page and get something from the list for me. Hey, my birthday's coming up and Christmas is just around the corner!

1. Nice 8-inch springform pans
   
   Because I think it's time I ventured into cakes. (: And my mom's square Pyrex dishes just don't make for pretty cake shapes. Haha.
   
   
2. Cupcake pans
   
   The muffin tins I use now are shallow and wide. I want my cupcakes to be tall and not punggok.
   
   
3. Stainless cookie scooper
   
   Because the one I have now is plastic and well, sometimes, the dough gets too tough for it—especially when I chill the dough overnight. I'm scared it'll just break one day.
   
   
4. The Wilton Master Tip Set
   
   Because the frosting possibilities are endless!
   
   
5. Cupcake Courier
   
   Can you imagine how easier and fuss-free it'll be to carry my cupcakes in this?
   
   
6. The Golden Half
   
   I think it's a really cute camera and quite efficient, too! It can stretch a roll of 24 into 48 pictures. How awesome is that?
   
   
7. A cute umbrella
   
   Like this one from pare*umbrella. I always end up borrowing umbrellas from my officemates because I don't have my own.
   
   
8. Onitsuka Tigers tokidoki edition
   
   I'm a Nike girl at heart, but these are the cutest pair of sneaks ever!!!
   
   
9. Windrunner in Pink and Gold
   
   I honestly don't know what use I have for it, since I don't really run or I'm not sporty in general. But I love how it looks!
   
   
10. A long, gray cardi
    
    
    
11. A pretty dress
    
    One can never have too many dresses. (:
    
    
12. Ribbed tank tops
    
    I want them in all the colors of the rainbow. And in white, black, and gray. d:
    
    
    
13. YakPak Zephyr in White Multi Unicorn
    
    Because it's cuuute! :D
    
    
14. A laptop
    
    Not necessarily this one. Or not necessarily a laptop, even! I just want my own computer so I don't have to wrestle with my brother when we're both at home. Haha! I told myself, I'll save up for one even if it kills me!

See, I'm not that hard to please. HAHAHA!

At long last.

This is what she would tell me, "Bakit ngayon lang?" or maybe "Dapat lang."

And then, I'll just hear about it days later, that she's told all of our relatives and all of her friends, who probably don't care much. :P

Because that's how she is and I'll always remember to be.

In our house, we are never bida. But outside, she's mighty proud of us.

I miss you and I know we're extra blessed these days because of you.

Le sigh

Half asleep, I stupidly pressed delete all messages while browsing my inbox. I thought I was inside my sent messages folder, which I regularly empty out.

Sigh.

The oldest message I had there was from 2007. When I just got the phone, I think.

What I'm most bummed about is the only message I have saved from my mom. It was just two words: Good luck! Sent September 11, 2007.

Now my inbox is empty. I hope this isn't a sign of things to come this week.

Beaming with pride

Mommy is smiling right now. I just know it. (:

The Google Meme

INSTRUCTIONS: Go to Google and type in quotation marks, your name, and then "likes to" (ex. "charles likes to"). Type in the first ten things that come up and repost in your own blog.

1. Macy likes to be casual and has a rock and roll vibe about her.
   
2. Macy likes to do lots of different things at the same time, but I don't think she'd call it multi-tasking.
   
3. So we waited two weeks to share pictures of it because we all know Macy likes to look good.
   
4. Macy's likes to think of itself as a Nordstrom.
   
5. Macy likes to play with toys she only has a ball.
   
6. Macy's likes to think of themselves as more high-end.
   
7. Macy likes to keep life simple and lowkey, melding her sweet soprano voice with the stringed instruments
   
8. Macy likes to be in charge and do what she wants to do, so she has come a long way.
   
9. Macy likes to take lots of roles where he talks on telephones.
   
10. Macy likes to lick his face, which he'll tolerate to a certain extent.

Haha! Most of it refers to Macy Gray or Macy's the Mall. XD

Let's pause for a MOMent

I remember our old house in Marikina. There was a sink in the garage-slash-backyard. Right across was our macopa tree.

And I remember this old picture taken there. I was in leotards and tights right beside my mom who was in sweat pants. We had our arms stretched out as if in dance class. That was my idea of ballet. I remember I wanted to be a ballerina so bad. I would ask my parents to take me to ballet school.

I never got around to taking ballet because, my mom would always tell me, my dad didn't want me to have no boobs and ugly toes. So yes, I am thankful, because I have non-ugly toes and... well, let's just say I don't exactly have little boy's chest. Haha! But I guess more than anything, I'm grateful because I had those "ballet lessons" in the garage with my mom. I don't remember much but I remember that picture. And I remember my smile.

Some people say it gets better and I want to believe that it does. But there are days when nothing else can make you feel better than a good cry.

Can you hear me?

I miss you.

They never mean what they say

I'm tired and battered
Worn the sole off my shoes
I'm restless and torn
Short of nothing to lose
I'm tired and battered

I always think that when I'm feeling tired, it's just a phase, like it's something that has an expiration date. But I've been feeling more and more restless these days. I find myself having trouble concentrating and always feeling like I'm carrying this huge burden.

I don't know. The past eight months... well, it's been an uphill climb. I'm getting tired. /: And I know I can't complain because we all probably feel the same way. I just need to deal with it.

These are the times when I can't help but think, everyone else's problems don't seem as big.

Wise words from the doctor

"Almost dying doesn't change anything. Death changes everything."
—House

I wish I could write again

I'm swimming in a sea of faces
trying to float my way to you
but it's no use
in a crowded room
where everybody wants you

image via Lovepad

Sigh.

I'm so tired. ):

It seemed like a dream, a beautiful scream

Where did September go? I can't believe we're already halfway through the month. It seems like days are bleeding into each other. The only punctuation marks are my first trip to La Union since grade school, the first successful high school reunion (29 attendees, 30 if you count the ones on phone patch), hello and goodbyes at work, and the dreaded move.

If I could have it my way, I'd stay put. I'm stubborn that way. But things keep changing and we need to move forward.

A few weeks ago, I was reminded of a mistake I made a few years back. And I couldn't believe that I still had so much hate in me. I decided that it's finally time to let it go. Maybe all this negative energy has been creating a negative force field around me. And it's been way too long for me to drag all this baggage around. Tama na. I thought I had already freed myself, but whenever I cringe at the thought of... the mistake, I realize maybe I haven't fully forgotten.

So tonight, in the middle of September, I say goodbye to that awful chapter of my life when I allowed myself to be used and to be treated in a way I never thought possible. I will never ever settle for less than what I truly deserve. And I will pray that I never have to.

Choosy

Are you a picky person when it comes to friends? I mean, even to something as trivial as your Multiply or Friendster friends list? Or do you just add whoever, because s/he looks remotely familiar or s/he's the friend of the cousin of your second grade seatmate?

Haha, I realize this blog has been a dumping ground for so many very random thoughts.

But seriously, is that good Netiquette? To add people just because they added you? Or is it okay not to do anything to those requests? Not like it's a matter of life and death, but a friend pointed out the other day at the amount of requests I had on a certain site. And I said, "I don't know them!" or "Hindi ko naman kasi siya friend." Does that make me a meanie? (I am actually an SMG: secret mean girl. Haha!) Because to me that girl who I "know" in high school isn't my friend unless we actually talked and interacted. Riiiight?

Wala lang. I don't even know why I bother. :)) But it's something I've always wanted to post about. Do you approve everyone who requests to be your friend? (Haha, this can be applied to real life interaction also, come to think of it.) Because I know I don't just cozy up to everysingleperson I meet. Haha!

Grabe, masyado kong sineseryoso ang mga bagay-bagay. Good night!

It has to be said.

I hate to be bandwagon-y at the risk of sounding like a poser, but tonight, I will be on a date with three of my favorite boys to witness a grand reunion of sorts.

I am not a big Eraserheads fanatic. I don't think I even own an album. I just remember a cassette tape of my brother's, white and silver, and Christmas-y. I'm sure I know a lot of songs (probably not as much as the real fans) and will probably get to sing along. d:

For most of my life, I've been made aware (sometimes by choice, and other times by "no choice," haha) of music and bands and all of the things that are filed under those words.And just like you, I have my own "Eheads story" to tell. d:

I remember answering the phone one night. The voice on the other line asked for my Kuya and when I asked who was calling, he said, "Si Raims." I would then find out that it was Raimund Marasigan of Eraserheads. I was in college then, I think. And I was starstruck. Hahaha! Boses pa lang yon, ha. I totally blogged about it somewhere. :))

When my brother was formally included in the <S>andwich lineup, the members would often be at our house. Imagine my horror when I met them in my ratty old duster, complete with holes at the shoulder. Grabe. Hahaha! I was thrilled (kahit medyo dyahe to say the least.

I've learned not to get starstruck by them anymore. Haha, I also couldn't care less if they saw me in my pantulog. I guess they are now the family's friends by association. I remember that one of the first people who were at our side during A Major Hump we had to go through were Myrene and Raimund. And even if I've never told them, I appreciate them for that.

I've only met one of them, but I'm going to watch all four tonight at one of the most anticipated concerts by fans of all ages.

Tonight, I'm not just going as a big fan of music, but also as a big fan of family. (:

how to have a fantastic week

1. Begin with a holiday.
   
2. Eat random junk food for merienda with friends. (Read: Cheesecake, Oishi prawn crackers, Salt and Vinegar chips, sugar-free mamon, and flavored polvoron.)
   
3. Bake a Cookie Cake for a friend who's starting her journey in another country.
   
4. Have a heart attack-inducing dinner (sisig, crispy pata, inihaw na pusit, and lots of garlic rice...mmm!) then go dance to (obscure) 80s and 90s songs. Woohoo!
   
5. Look through this fantastic cookbook sent by your relatives while having a breakfast of caramelized Spam, scrambled eggs, and garlic rice.
   
6. Wear a dress and gingham wedges to make up for not getting enough sleep. Haha!
   
7. Celebrate Michael Jackson's 50th birthday!

The week's not even over yet. Despite A Big Move happening in my family's life, I'm still finding ways to cheer myself up. Everything's gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better.

Life in bullets

♥ Getting Macy's Fields orders. Yay!
♥ Yet another packed week at work—I really, really wish we could slow down. even for just ONE week.
♥ One of my good friends from high school is back in Manila for a couple of days. Spending a few hours with her and some friends was so much fun. I hope I get to see her again before she goes back to Singapore.
♥ I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. An awesome video and a really cute song.
♥ Everybody's speaking in words I don't understand. I love covers!
♥ It's my brother's birthday today. To say he is the most awesome big brother is an understatement. I got him the coolest cupcakes ever. His very first electric guitar on top of chocolate cupcakes. (:
♥ Talking about past mistakes (hahahaha) with friends and knowing that you're not alone—some people have made the same mistakes. And you both only hope that you don't make the same ones again. d:
♥ Surf trip two weeks from now. I'm scared to death, but I figure life is too short to be afraid all the time. And I'm going with my superduper nice boss. Haha!
♥ I locked my cabinet's key inside my cabinet at work. Sigh. I think it was hunger and sleepiness that made me do such a stupid thing. After twenty minutes, we figured out how to get my bag out (with the key inside). We've also concluded that those locked cabinets aren't good for anything! NYA!
♥ Stayed up `til 2am to watch very loud bands inside a very cold place. Brr. I am never doing it again. Or so I hope.
♥ A big move happening soon.
♥ I don't want to be adult, but I have to be.

nicked off Jill and Mika

Your result for The Director Who Films Your Life Test...

Woody Allen

Be prepared to have your life story shot entirely in New York City -- though lately Woody's been loving shooting in London. Also, your music soundtrack is all jazz from before 1949. Filmography: Annie Hall, Manhattan, Stardust Memories, Everyone Says I Love You, Match Point, Scoop, etc. Woody has released one film per year consistently for the past 35 years. For the past 15 years he's been trying to make films like his older, funnier ones, just like characters in his Stardust Memories film suggest throughout. Regardless of his personal life, his films are American classics.

Take The Director Who Films Your Life Test at HelloQuizzy

What else can I say?

I forgot to post one of our bloggers' entry yesterday so it was only this morning that I read it. It was about this singer she found on YouTube. Naturally, I watched the video and completely fell in love! I'm a big fan of neo soul and singers like India Arie and Julianne. It was no surprise that I like Melissa Polinar.

This is an awesome song and I hope to sing it to somebody... someday. d: (Yuck, cheesyyy!)

You are the one for me
After all the waiting I can finally breathe
Earth and sky say what they may
I will love you all throughout my days
Happiness happens when our hearts combine
When it's you I'm with I come alive
It's just so clear to see
Darling, we are meant to be

While waiting for my files to get transferred to the external harddrive (aka after 10 years)...

When did you start dancing?: My first memory of dancing was my mom "teaching" me ballet in our backyard in Marikina. Ha ha! Yes, it took years and several pictures for me to realize that no, those were not real ballet lessons. It was me and my mom. In our backyard. In leotards and tights—pink and red!

When did you sign up for your first dance class?: Very first class? I'm not really sure, but probably the first real dance class I attended (and paid for) was the one in Powerdance back in college (summer after Freshman year). I wanted so badly to get into UP Street. Heh.

What genre was it?: Street/Hiphop and Jazz.

What type of dance do you do now?: Street/Hiphop and I sometimes attempt (operative word being ATTEMPT) jazz funk/funk fusion.

Do you dance on a team?: Well, kind of.

What's the team's name?: UP StreetDance Club in college (I miss!) and the S----- Cru (hahahaha) at work. d:

Where do you usually perform?: My first ever performance for UP Street was at the Cersa Open House in Ateneo. Oh God. The one where we stood motionless for 10 seconds. Ahhhh! O:

How often do you perform?: My last performance was three years ago?

Have you ever been on TV for dance?: Nope.

Have you ever been in the paper for dance?: I think we got featured in a magazine before for a concert.

Have you ever had to compete or do a show with cheerleaders?: I was part of UP Street's Elevate compet team for two years—one of which we won first place (the following year, we lost to UP Filipiniana?).

Have you ever had to dance to Jock Jams?: Is this a cheerleader thing? The one with sound effects? If yes, then, yes.

What was the last song you performed/competed to?: Last performed to was "Hotline" and "Wait a Minute" at my last UP Street concert. ):

What was your last costume?: I forget what it was called but I was in orange and green. Nya.

What is your current performance song?: Not really a performance song, but we were learning the Switch and Sinden remix of Santogold's "You'll Find A Way" two weeks ago in dance class.

How often a week do you dance?: Sigh, not often enough.

Do you choreograph?: No, hehe.

What are you favorite dance movies?: But there are so many! Haha! Save the Last Dance, Step Up 1 and 2, You Got Served, Honey, Bring It On

Has anyone wanted to date you just because you're a dancer?: Haha parang no. They usually find out after and are very much surprised. :))

Do you have makeup people for your shows?: No, haha! We do our own makeup in UP Street.

What hip hop/pop singer is your dance style closest to?: Eh? I don't know.

Do you want to dance professionally?: No. (:

What do your friends/family think of your dancing?: My mom used to hate the training and rehearsals. I'd always get home late.

What move/moves are you worst at?: Stunts. Nya.

What move/moves are you best at?: Yung tamang mga pa-cute lang. Hahaha! Kidding. I'm really not sure.

Are dancers stereotyped?: Such as?

Is dancing a sport?: I never really considered it to be, but it should be!

If you could dance at any event what would it be?: Backup for Justin Timberlake. Ahhhhh.

Has anyone ever asked you for your autograph?: Hahaha, not for dancing, though. d:

Did you inherit your dance talent?: My mom loved ballroom dancing, so I'm guessing the dancing gene is from her. d:

And my files still haven't finished transferring. Hay!

Sweet!

Message from Ate Elena at 6:02pm: "Gud nun po! Eto n ata ung mixer n mtgal m n hinihintay! xcited c dady m malaman m kya pinatxt ka nya"

Simultaneous YM messages from Nior and Manu: "guess who has a package downstairs? hahaha" and "dumating na mixer mo"

OH MY GOD. Ito na ang pinakahihintay kong araw.

At shempre, dahil ang swerte ko, may event ako tonight and I'm not going home `til late tonight. HAHAHA!

But I. AM. SO. EXCITED to go hooooooooome.

don't mess with a woman during that time of the month >_<

Ayoko sa lahat yung nagmamarunong.

Happiness is...

Maybe I should stop saying I'm feeling better, because it kind of jinxes my recovery. So, yeah.

I will just list a few things that could possibly make me feel better (not saying that I'm already better, okay? *shakes fist at the universe*), because you know, I could still be in a hoodie, shivering and sniffling. But I'll leave that up to your imagination.

1. My sweet officemates being silly, making me a fan page on Facebook. Become a fan here! I don't even have a Facebook account so I don't know exactly how it works. I want to add pictures and everything, but I don't own the page (like I do Candy's). So indulge me.
   
   
2. Santogold by Santogold. Ever since we danced to Switch and Sinden's remix of "You'll Find A Way," I've been listening to her album. It's awesome! I should've looked her up ever since I spotted her on the cover of my brother's Fader magazine a few weeks ago.
   
   
3. My daddy. Ever the comedian, we spent the entire ride home trying to understand his kwento, with matching sound effects. As in, "Vroom, vroom!" Hahaha! My goodness, we were in stitches! Also notable was the chicken teriyaki-stuffed fried bread (whatever you call it) from Ministop that he bought for me for the ride home. Aww. I told you my dad is the sweetest boy alive! Never mind that the oil in that thing made my head throb all night.
   
   
4. A new computer! Well, in the office at least. I wasn't even there when they set it up, but woohoo! Can you imagine how excited I am to come to work on Monday? Yeahhh. (Also, we got our report cards yesterday and I'm happy with mine. d:)
   
   
5. My brother's in Malaysia truly Asia! Chicosci is this year's Philippines Favorite Artist at the MTV Asia Awards. Woot! He brought my camera so I'm gonna get first dibs on those backstage pics (not to mention the after party's! Woohoo!).
   
   
6. My "Don't Walk, Just Dance" play list that makes me want to bust a move. Because sometimes, I don't want to listen to a gloomy, rainy play list on a... gloomy, rainy day.
   
   
7. Bacon drowning in maple syrup—my favoritest breakfast food EVER. And I am glad to report my taste buds are no longer MIA. Hoo-ray.
   
   
8. Lipton's Green Tea Citrus. Tastes like Grapefruit and Orange. Never thought I'd say this, but I love it! I downed 3 mugs in the office yesterday. Mmm.
   
   
9. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist's trailer! Michael Cera is ♥. I can't wait to see this movie. I strongly urge you to grab the book and read it. Like, now.
   
   
10. The bad first: I woke up at 2:30 in the morning today. Shyeah. I don't know why, either. I tried my best to go back to sleep but after tossing and turning in between a rerun of Late Night with David Letterman and Beauty and the Geek, I gave up and went to my dad, who I assumed was already up. We sat through a screening of Radio Romance on Cinema One. HAHAHA! Laugh trip. How can that not make you feel better? :)) Hello, Claudine Barretto pre-eyebrow plucking, Rico Yan, Jolina in her colorful days, and so on. :))

Oh, I can tell this is going to be a good day despite the storm brewing outside. (:

I ain't missing you at aaaaaaaall!!!

Feeling infinitely better than yesterday. Nothing like hours of deep sleep, warm chicken soup, pitchers of water, and boxes of tissue can't fix.

Lots of gratitude to my angels in the office who donated tea, medicine, and saved me a walk to the convenience store. You're all heaven-sent.

At dahil, in-infect ako ni Mika (GOSSAAAAA!), kayo din, bibiktimahin ko. But with a different version, hahaha!



Kung feel niyo malabuan dun sa original na video, here you go.

P.S. to previous post

Coming out of the office lobby, my face instantly lit up at the image of my dad smiling at me from our van.

I looked at my watch. It was 7:00 in the evening.

My daddy is in bed by six.

I didn't know whether I wanted to cry or smile or both.

I am so loved. And so lucky.

Thank You Lord for these little treasures that make me feel like life is still worth something.

Let me tell you again why I'm a Daddy's Girl...

Last week, I slept in my brothers' room, because it was so hot and we wanted to turn the a/c on. To save on electricity, we agreed to stay in one room. But when I woke up the next morning, there was a sharp, stinging pain in my lower back.

I was complaining to my dad because it really hurt. I couldn't really sit up properly because every time I leaned back, the pain would shoot up my spine.

The other day, I found out that he spent Friday afternoon looking for a masseuse.

*tear*

My Daddy is the sweetest boy in the world!

P.S.
My back no longer hurts and I didn't need the masseuse. d:

(insert girly squeals here)

One of my fave cupcake bloggers left a comment on my cupcake entry over at the Candy blog!!!

Nothing like an upper to get me started this morning. I'm supposed to be ready to leave in less than an hour because we have to go shopping for ingredients. Aside from my cupcakes, we're also making lasagna for lunch.

We haven't had lasagna since New Year. My mom taught me to make bechamel sauce and how to assemble the layers. Here's to hoping make it just like hers.

seeing you through other people's dreams

This was the picture she painted of you: a vision in white, happy and smiling, a little chubbier than you were when we last saw you.

And just like that I felt my eyes well up with tears.

I don't know if I'm sad or if I just miss you terribly this very moment.

I know you're right beside me, probably reading over my shoulder but what I would do to see your face and hug you right now.

I would like you for my own

It's just the type of music video I'd love. Haha! Cartoon blood and all.

Which Cupcake To Make

I spend a large chunk of time browsing through baking blogs. An entire tab of my universe is dedicated to different bakers' blogs. One of my favorite blogs is How To Eat A Cupcake, because practically everything she makes is yummy and so easy to make! (:

My relatives might be coming over this Sunday and I've been thinking of what new cupcake recipe to try. On my list of recipes to try are:

1. S'mores Cupcakes
   
2. White Russian Cupcakes (for the oldies, hehe)
   
3. And, just this morning, Salted Caramel Cupcakes

They all sound so yummy! I'm leaning towards the S'mores and the Salted Caramel ones, because I think the kids (if they're coming) are going to love it. And I've been wanting to make marshmallow frosting for the longest time (I just learned yesterday morning how easy it is to make t! It's what Swiss Meringue Buttercream Frosting starts out as.), ever since I had my first bite of Chocolate Kiss's Devil's Food Cake back in college.

I was watching an episode of Sugar Rush this morning while getting ready for work. They were making two kinds of "celebration" cakes. One was a beautiful 5-tiered 8-layer cake (are you following? haha) that was pink-orange-yellow with gold leaf (is that what it's called?) and the other was a tower of cream puffs and sugar ribbons. They were both so beautiful! I wonder when I'll be able to make cakes like those. Hmm. (:

Back in 1997

I can't believe that at 15, we were made to perform this play! Haha! I had this strange urge to download the Pippin Original Broadway Recording while sitting in the van, coming home from church. I have no idea why. I tried to look for a torrent, but nothing came up. So I hit the search button on YouTube and found this playlist of most of the songs from the musical. I love it! The Internet is awesoooome.

I wonder where all my Rep classmates are now.

I wonder when I'll see him perform live again

All it takes is a little faith, and a lot of heart

I'm tired and sleepy.

But I realize that I am happiest sitting in my mom's place in the kitchen table, waiting for cookies/cupcakes to be ready to be taken out of the oven.

I miss late nights with mom. Having dinner, while she watches and asks about my day. I would've probably told her today, "I bought the nicest top for half the price! I look like I'm part of the Mamma Mia cast." She would've probably just nodded and smiled.

It never goes away.

And so, reality bites.

Hahaha, akalain mo yon. Hindi nga yung mixer yung dumating. HAHA!

Oh well, a package is still a package. I wonder what it is, though. It's not my birthday. d:

Edit: She says she had a feeling it was her mail that I received, but she figured it wasn't really a package. But the post office notice doesn't really tell you what it is you're supposed to pick up, right? d: Anyway, thanks, Mix! (: She got me an autographed CD of hers because they've been having this concert series in McCann and she was one of the performers. She also got me Tristan Prettyman's CD before, yay!

Oh, this is love.

About four months ago, I was obsessing over this beautiful mixer. I remember even before that, I'd look at it longingly (seriously!!!) whenever we passed the Coleman-KitchenAid store beside Auntie Anne's in Galleria. When they started renovating their store, the mixers were greeting me everyday as I went out of the office. They were calling out to me. A rainbow of mixers. My God, they were beautiful. (Haha I know, I know. I'm raving about kitchen equipment. Get off my case!)

When my mom's sister and I were chatting one time, we got to talking about my baking. How I told her that some officemates would order from me, but I never really sold my goods (in a bazaar or wherever). I didn't really have the time nor the energy (I'd be too tired from work when I got home) to pursue it as a real business. Then, I mentioned that my mom's KitchenAid, which I've been using since forever is really overworked. I think we've had it repaired more than five times already (each costing about a thousand or so) because the motor would give up and the paddle would just stop turning. Each time that happened, my heart would break because it meant I couldn't bake! (Okay, ang drama na nito.) She asked how much a new mixer would cost. I told her that I've been eyeing one, a pink one. It would cost me P23,500. I told her, maybe I'll save up for it and give it to myself one day. And not even a month after, she says she has good news. That they (my mom's sisters in Canada) would give me the mixer. I should just think of it as their "investment" to my "business." I didn't know whether to say no (because it's just too expensive to give it away like that, yeah?) or to thank them a million times everyday. Hahaha! And now, I can't keep still. Because yesterday, they gave me the notice from the post office that a package is waiting to be picked up. And I don't know any other package coming aside from that beautiful pink mixer. Ahhhh! I've been staring at this picture all night and all morning. Call me obsessed, but I can't wait to meet her! I even have a name for her already. =)) You're all probably thinking, "what a weirdo." HAHA! But I've never been this excited for anything in a long time!

I can't wait to go home tonight. (: Love-a-lot, we will be making lots of people happy! Hee.

Turning point

From the looks of this grainy picture, you can tell this was a long time ago. d: More than a decade ago, to be exact. Freshman year. In the new high school building up in the mountains of Antipolo. I have in my hand a glass of what I'm assuming to be iced tea. My staple recess for all four years of high school. A glass of iced tea and two doughnuts—one Nutty Chocolate and one Chocolate Butternut (My all-time favorite doughnut. Dunkin Donuts the best! What Krispy Kreme?). I guess all that sugar is now manifesting itself by way of my jiggly stomach and thunder thighs. =))

I remember so many things when I look at this picture. My hairstyle: hair tied into a half-ponytail because my hair was buhaghag (still is). My too-big-for-me Tag Heuer watch that I forced my mom to give to me (she eventually got it back when they gave me another watch, which I thought was nicer—now I have three watches, but I still use that watch because I think it's the nicest). My standard pearl earrings, which I've contemplated on changing (just switched for slightly bigger ones in college) because some people have this superstition that you're going to stay single when you wear pearls (hello, saan nanggaling yon?), but 10 years down the line, I still wear pearls. Oh, and yeah, I'm still single. Haha. Money in my sailor blouse pocket, which was always filled with odds and ends. All of which would scatter to the floor when I was rushing to get to the line outside our classroom right after the bell rang.

"Best Days" was our high school anthem and to this day, I still think of those four years as the best. I met my lifelong friends and discovered my three loves in high school: baking, dancing, and writing. I used to sell my Maple Vermont Walnut bars at food sales (shortened periods! long recess!). Danced to Michael Jackson's "Rock with You" in my first year of high school for the high school dance. Got my poem published in a book before I graduated.

How nice it is to still get to live part of that life when I'm at work. (:

WaW!

As in What a Weekend. (:

Saturday morning was spent with one of my good friends K, baking Macadamia White Cookies and Chocolate Turtle Pie (I haven't made this in soooo long!). We had so much fun baking and eating. (: I'm going to miss her so so so much! But what's one month with the Internet?

Then, my dad picked me up so we could go shopping for food. Hee. I love grocery shopping, even if sometimes I get lazy to do it. It helps that it's so cool inside the supermarket. Hehe! We were under our limit this month so hooray! We cut back on the Ritter Sport this time around, though. Last month, we got P650 worth of just chocolate. Yikes! The horrible "tagalized" version of "Umbrella" was playing in the supermarket and just as I said, "Nakakairita ang kanta. Ano ba!" someone behind me was singing along to it. Haha!

I also finally got my hair trimmed! Haha! My stylist wasn't there when I went last time so I was happy he was back this Saturday. (: I'm back to looking like a twelve-year-old and I've ditched my konichiwa bangs because everyone is getting them! O: I'll get them again when my hair is back to its longer length. That will be my new hair obsession. d:



Today, I tried out new cupcakes recipes. Both I will make again because they were good! One was for a low-fat chocolate cupcake and the other was for the perfect vanilla cupcake (rose just right, wasn't too sweet, and was fluffy!). Yum-o! I turned my leftover buttercream frosting into peanut buttercream frosting! I love peanut butter! Yahoo! If I had a jar of Nutella, I would've probably used that instead. Hee. There's an idea for my next baking experiment... (:

I have a cake date this week! Yay!

I wish all my weekends were like this. So steady and laid back. How was yours?

All kinds of kilig

I first wrote about what an officemate thought of my Chocolate Turtle Pie a year and a half ago. And since then, I've always thought it was one of the best things said about my baking.



But these past few days, as I've been selling more stuff to my officemates, I've been hearing the sweetest (some funny, even!) comments ever.

The direct (and other variations of it):

OMG MACE!!! ANG SARAP!!!
—Rochellaaa

The anecdote:

Kinain ng mga kapatid ko yung cupcake! Super sarap daw!
—Stephie

The metaphor:

It's like kissing a girl...
—hulaan niyo kung sino :))

The comparison:

Omg, macy! Omg! It's the best cupcake ever! It's my fave among the 3 treats I've tried! It's like the Happy Ants I like but tons better! Aaaa!
—the best-est boss ever!

It was worth staying up `til midnight to get 24 cupcakes done by today. (:

Do not cross this line

A month ago, on our way home from buying baking supplies, we passed through Farmer's Market in Cubao. I've been meaning to blog about this but I didn't have visual evidence. Haha!

So yesterday, when we passed by the same area, I tried to take the best shot I could. If you click on the thumbnail, you'll see a security guard on the corner with what looks like a yellow and blue rope attached to the post. See those people behind him? They're people waiting to cross. When the cars are at a stop light, the string goes down and people are free to cross the intersection.

Are Filipinos really that bad at following directions that they need ropes to tell them when to cross and when not to? I couldn't believe it at first, but seriously, this is real! Don't you find it strange?

Work it

The past week was rather hectic and I almost felt a fever coming the other night. (You know, when your throat feels scratchy and all your joints are aching when you wake up?) Instead of drinking medicine, I slept a little bit past 9 for the past two nights. And I'm proud to say, I'm not feeling sick anymore. (: The other night, I woke up every hour after midnight, but willed myself to go back to sleep until 6 in the morning. I managed to get out of bed and was working an hour later on the computer yesterday morning. Go, me!

Are you a workaholic when you expect people to have the same work ethics as you do? You know, get your work done before going home (unless you plan to finish it at home, maybe?) or not having other people worry about your responsibilities as much as possible? I've always had a hard time passing work stuff to other people because I've always hated people doing that to me. (Back read through my blog archive and you'll know what I mean, haha) Maybe sometimes, I really should adjust my expectations.

Afternoon Tea with Mommy

I attended a flash fiction workshop for the "What's Your Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf Story" media launch yesterday afternoon. We were asked to write something in twenty minutes and this is what I came up with. In all its unedited glory. (:

I was never a tea drinker. In my head, tea always tasted like medicine. As I grew older, I started to try tea. First the basic lemon or chamomile, then moving on to flavored ones raspberry or cherry blossom. As I sit here, alone, in this dimly-lit café, I sip my warm tea, infused with earthy flavors. Then I remember my mother, the only tea drinker in the house. I smile silently, remembering her morning ritual of steeping tea. I now love tea, because of her. Everytime I prepare a glass, or purchase a cup, I always think of her.

Yay for 100 words! d: If you want to share your story, too, check out the details here.

Today I believe in love.

I started reading Everything is Illuminated a few days ago. There's a part when Alex (I think?) describes the sky looking gray almost like concrete. I couldn't picture it, but when I woke up this morning, that's exactly how the sky looked like. A concrete sky. It's been gloomy all morning. I like weather like this only when I'm indoors, cozy under my comforter.

I'm trying to finish the book, though, because I finally got a copy of Eat, Pray, Love (only P299 from a different bookstore, because they're on sale)! Em has been telling me to read it (even offering to give me a copy just so I can) so I'm happy I chanced upon it the other day. It says on the book cover, one woman's search for everything. And I'm curious, does she really find everything?

Possibly my favorite song from Avenue Q

KATE MONSTER
Oh, you think your life sucks?

BRIAN
I think so.

KATE MONSTER
Your problems aren't so bad!
I'm kinda pretty
And pretty damn smart.

BRIAN
You are.

KATE MONSTER
Thanks!
I like romantic things
Like music and art.
And as you know
I have a gigantic heart
So why don't I have
A boyfriend?
Fuck!
It sucks to be me!

haha! this is funny.

I have no idea why the table is pushed all the way down in this entry. O:

		I will marry Penn Badgley.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in LA in our fabulous Apartment.
		We will have 10 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a Black Beetle.
		I will spend my days as a Baker, and live happily ever after.

Now, how to get to NY and steal Penn from Blake?

To my favorite boy in the world

My number one fan. My willing taste tester. My personal cheerleader. My instant happy pill. He takes me to the office every morning, even on weekends that I need to go to work. He sits with me when I'm having breakfast, and will pour my water for me. He makes the best silly faces and has the heartiest laugh.

I no longer remember how it is to have full-length conversation with him ever since that day in August, the year of 1998. I don't know when I'll be able to cheer him on during a game of golf. I miss pre-wheelchair dad, but I love him all the more now. There is something about having an unspoken language between you and a person dear to you. How I know what his gestures and facial expressions mean. Or how I know that Saturday nights are lacking when I'm not beside him on a pew in Church. Or how I know that something as simple as brushing his teeth makes me feel important.

These days, I like to ask him if he misses mom. And his eyes turn glassy. He never cries, but I know he misses her like crazy. But he says that she comes to him at night at his bedside and I know that she'll always reassure him.

I have the best parents in the world. Happy Father's Day, Daddy. I love you!

Free day

Now I remember why I've always had perfect attendance. Or how I've never used up any leaves since I started work. I get bored at home so easily. Ha ha! The day isn't halfway done and I've run out of things to do.

Well, there is the business of baking cookies for tomorrow's order. And then, there's half of Forever in Blue that I finally got around to reading! And then, I asked my dad if we could visit mom today. It's their wedding anniversary tomorrow. Thirty years. I can only dream of finding someone I can stay with that long.

And if everything goes according to the master plan in my head, I might get to go ukay shopping today. (: Too bad none of my friends are free to go today. My best friend is back to night shift and my other ukay buddy is en route to Oman (isn't that in the Middle East?) for a show. d:

Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, the girl who has everything

My friend sent me a link to this video today. We then started talking about old Disney movie soundtracks. My Top Three would definitely be Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, and Aladdin. Sadly, my copies are all in cassette tape form. (Mahal ang CD ng mga panahong yun no!) So I downloaded the torrents and now, I am happily listening to my Disney tracks. Ahhh! I loooove.

Haha! I used to have a huge crush on Aladdin. :)) I memorized the entire soundtrack, including the dialogue parts in the middle. d: Yes, even "Legend of the Lamp." Haha!

I can't believe I can still sing along to most of the songs that are playing now.

What's your favorite Disney soundtrack?

Different People

I think I'm one of those people who will never forget something wrong that's been done to me or to people I love. I am very particular with how people treat others. Because I've always believed that once a person has done something, they can always do it again. Call me jaded, but that's how I see the world. While it's so easy for some to forget, I seem to always remember.

This is what happens when I've been up since 5:30am and still up past 10. It's past my bedtime!!!

Kahlua Cupcakes

So it seems that momentary lapse is officially gone! When you will things to happen, they actually do. Haha!

I started out with a recipe for old-fashioned chocolate cupcakes, but replaced the espresso with Kahlua. After baking the cupcakes, I tried out one and decided that the coffee flavor wasn't strong enough. So I mixed some more Kahlua, water, and espresso powder in a bowl. This is what I use for brushing the lady fingers (broas) for Tiramisu. So I ladled a teaspoon on top of each cupcake and let it seep into the cake.



The result was a subtle hint of coffee with just the right kick from the Kahlua. I didn't want to spend too much time with the frosting so I settled with just whipped cream spiked with even more Kahlua. Ha ha! Next time, I think I'm going to try a cream cheese frosting. I think it'd go well with the coffee flavor. It might even taste like Tiramisu! Yummy!

In Love

Five years ago, I had in my hand a plastic camera with what looked like four lenses. I had no idea how to use it or that it was actually a real camera that would take real pictures. I had a problem loading the film, mostly because it had been some time since I last used film in a camera.

Five years later, a few cameras, and several rolls of film after, I am still in love with this. The wait for the film to get processed and scanned. Picking pictures I want to get printed. The surprise I get whenever I see the pictures. Every frame is different from the other. Every camera, no matter how identical, will produce a different shot, used by a different person.

a quickr pickr post

Do what makes you happy. It doesn't matter what other people think. I get weirded out when I read people complaining about how lomography is going mainstream. How it "loses its thrill" when more people do it. How can you love something any less just because other people have discovered that it makes them happy, too?

I say, just shoot to your heart's content. (: I know I will. Bye! The sun is shining and it's time to take my babies out.