Sunday Girl

Music Monday She & Him - "Sunday Girl (Blondie cover)" from Volume 3

Tasty Tuesday

After my friends' book signing, we had ramen. Tried out this new place. I'm really not the best person to ask for ramen recommendations, because they all really just taste the same to me. Haha! Split this set with D-an and was so busog. But there's always room for dessert! Cafe Au Lait mochi on a pretty plate. It was gone in about 10 seconds.

Wishful Wednesday

Checking out new arrivals on the H&M website, hoping I can do a bit of shopping in 2 weeks. Hee. (Also hoping I have enough money, haha!)

Thoughtful Thursday

Fashion Friday

Unearthed a pair of saddle calf leather loafers from my mom's shoe boxes. The sole didn't crumble away when I wore them, yay! Also wore her fancy matchy watch with my dad (which is now in the custody of my brother). When I wear things she used to wear, I somehow feel connected to her. ♥

* weekly-themed post adapted from That's Chic

Dearest Mommy

I would like to spend a day,
sitting beside you on your bed.
We can watch TV or just sleep
together. We don't need to speak
or even touch. All I need
is some time to be
with you, here and now.
I'll tell you about how
there was a boy and now
there's a girl I fell in love
with. She's tiny and beautiful
and someone I know you
already love without
even meeting. I wish you
were here for even just a few
quiet moments. To make up
for the days we've lost
and for the years that I'm scared
will be forgotten.
I hope you know that
every day you are missed.

You Know Where To Find Me

Music Monday

{ Thank you, Mika, for tweeting a link to this video! }

Tasty Tuesday

 { My favorite chocolate bar of all time in dive bar form! Alpine White, Sebastian's }

Wishful Wednesday

{ Friendship that spans time and distance. I ♥ my Lolas! }

Thoughtful Thursday

{ Hello, how are you? }

Fashion Friday

{ Anyone who can rock high tops like Taylor Tomasi Hill is chic in my book.(Feeling!) For purposes of style stalking. }

* weekly-themed post adapted from That's Chic

Songs I Like: "In My Dreams" by James Morrison

I regret not watching him last night, but I've been listening to his new record all week. I think this is my favorite song off The Awakening.

It sort of articulates the feeling of wanting to see someone in your sleep, if only to talk to them again. Hits close to home, Mr. Morrison. Thank you for singing.

Read my short article on him for our website here.

The Most Important Woman In Our Lives

My friend Marla made me listen to this song about four years ago when my mom passed away. Whenever I hear it, I think of my mom. That maybe she really did have to get away from here.

I always wonder what it would be like if she were still alive. Would we still be living in our old house? Would we still spend every Sunday afternoon watching gossip shows? Would she still get mad at us for always being in front of the computer? Sometimes I still get mad that I don't get to have my mom anymore. But then, I guess I'm reminded that there's always someone looking out for me, someone taking care of me. In the form of my dad, my brothers, my friends, and even my friend's moms—people who aren't even related to me! Thank you to all those who've become a mother, one way or another, to me. I appreciate the love and will be forever grateful.

Maybe you had to get out of here.
Maybe you lost your way down here.
Maybe you've found a shinier star.
A shinier star.
Leaving your heart beating in fragile hands.
And nobody understands.
Maybe you're gone.
Maybe you are finally coming home.

Happy birthday, Mommy!

Someday, we'll be together again, making bead jewelry and playing Bookworm. I miss you and I love you!

The Thought Of You Picks Me Up When I'm Lonely

Music Monday

Missed Color Me Badd's concert, but apparently they didn't perform this. I used to have that entire Spanish verse memorized. I can still sing-along to it. ♥

Tasty Tuesday

Made some fancy cake pops for a shoot at work. I miss baking and this is the closest I'll get for now.

Wishful Wednesday
Jason Mraz. October 30. Please cross your fingers for me. I love this man and his music. I've seen him live twice, but a third time won't hurt. Universe, please make the stars align for me. Birthday ko naman na ng November!

Thoughtful Thursday

It's funny how Pottermore is making me feel like a giddy kid again. It's amazing how a simple book has turned into its own magical world—movies, a theme park (!!!), and an online portal! Got so stressed getting sorted (I got into Ravenclaw—not Gryffindor, where my heart truly belongs!) and figuring out potions (I ruined two because the site keeps crashing!), but it's so awesome! Add me as a friend: MoonstoneAvis117! (:

Fashion Friday

I remember spending afternoons with my mom, looking at her shelves filled with different shapes, sizes, colors of beads. There were Swarovski crystals of all sizes and colors, quirky beads from India, and glass pearls that looked like real ones. I finally asked Ate Elena and Pedro, our house boy, to unearth this box filled with all the pretty stuff. I have yet to find her wires and chains, but I've found some I can make charm bracelets with. I'm excited!

Gratitude List

There are tons to be thankful for these days. And I've missed making lists like this!




♥ Shopping with fake money. I got the top I've been looking at for months plus a pretty new dress for technically just P45.
♥ Leaving my camera at home and dancing the night away. I usually bring my cam to concerts so I can take photos and videos, but this time around, I decided to just leave it. I didn't realize how much fun it is to be in nosebleed seats. We had our own party there.
♥ Getting free tickets and giving them away. It turns out I was given tickets to Cirque's show last night, but I gave them to Mimi and Dyan. (: Spreading the magic!
♥ Catching a pilot. Saw the first episode of Teen Wolf yesterday. My friends have been telling me to watch it already, but I haven't had a chance to. Now, I can catch it on TV. It premieres on July 17, 9pm on AXN.
♥ Chocolate! I got myself another Cuadro from Risa Fine Bespoke Chocolates. I've gotten Tiramissyou twice already and I'm thinking of getting assorted truffles next. I also got a pack of KitKat Mint from the grocery the other day. They are delicious!
♥ Letters. Got a surprise from Em through my brother. Loved the retro stickers and stationery!
♥ Things from my mom. Funny how almost 3 and a half years have passed and she still continues to "give" me stuff. I found a black sheer maxi skirt in my closet with tags that have yellowed from age. My non-fancy jewelry are all courtesy of her. Bringing them out reminds me of our afternoons together, visiting the Asedillos and picking out charms for my bracelet.

What about you? What are you grateful for these days?

Cupcake Thursday and Friday

Last week, I started bringing cupcakes to work again. I used to make cupcakes every other night (EVERY.OTHER.NIGHT) and bring them to work to sell to my officemates. I didn't care if I slept late (to bake the cupcakes) and wake up early (to make the frosting). I was at my happiest in the kitchen. I think it was my way of coping when I lost my mom. I would just try recipes and keep making them until I knew they were perfect.

And then I just stopped. I don't remember how or why. Maybe it was because I moved down a floor? Maybe it was because I started getting tired? Or maybe I found something to do outside the kitchen.

But recently, I started baking again. (: It feels good. And I don't plan on overdoing it (what was I thinking bringing in 2 dozens of cupcakes every other day?). Just one flavor a week, maybe cookies on some weeks. I'll still try new recipes until I get them right.

Yesterday, I brought S'mores Cupcakes with Swiss Meringue Frosting (but apparently, my baking powder has died so they weren't as fluffy as usual) and today I brought Kahlua Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Frosting (possibly my favorite creation ever) for friends.

Next week: tried and tested Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Motherless daughters

I am jealous. Jealous of people with mothers alive and physically present. Mothers who they can touch and hug and say I love you to while looking them in the eyes. I am jealous of those who have mothers yet take them for granted.

Be patient with them. Believe me when I tell you, you will regret every single rant, every single impatient thought you've had when she's no longer there to nag you, make you kulit, and be the typical mother.

I have never been affected this much by someone's death, someone I never knew. Never.

Utang na loob

Friends do things for each other without expecting anything in return. That is goodwill. That is friendship. A simple truth that's actually not very hard to grasp. Certain events have led me to discover which of my parents' friends are true and real.

I only wish my mother could have known this fact when she was still alive.

Sending this up to heaven

Every single day, you are missed.

The Day After Christmas

Christmas is finally complete. The kids opened their presents, we finished the cake, and we lit candles today at Mommy's.

It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. We actually had a wonderful Noche Buena and had relatives over for Christmas lunch. I was gearing myself up for the worst—crying at midnight, silence at the dinner table, a lonely Christmas.

But true to Alcaraz tradition (this family's, anyway), we ended the night watching really stupid and funny videos on YouTube (we watched The Ring on Christmas Eve some years ago—all of the Japanese ones. We're sort of weird like that.), laughing and having a fun night together. It was different, but not at all sad. And for that, I'm very grateful.

I super miss my mom but I know she must be having one hell (oops, heaven?) of a good time with the birthday boy. Anong binatbat ng Noche Buena dito, kung kinakantahan niya ng "Happy Birthday" mismo yung may birthday, diba? Must be a blast. (:

Almost but not quite

via PostSecret

The First Christmas

Today's the first day of December. Look up at the sky tonight and it seems like the moon is smiling down at us. Almost like it's being reassuring.

Christmas used to be something to look forward to. Usually, our house would have Christmas decor by November. The tree would be up by my birthday. We'd have pretty white lights above our garage with the capiz parol that's been with us for years now.

But until now, there is no tree. Half of our stuff's been moved out, but it seems like we're still spending our Christmas here in this house. In this half-empty house.

I went to the mall tonight with Daddy and my brother in hopes of getting some holiday shopping done—I ended up buying more stuff for myself/the kitchen than gifts for people. And I remembered how we'd always shop for gifts on the 24th, because Mommy would always say that there would be less people. That and well, we've always been last-minute in most things.

I know I should have expected to feel this way. But it still feels odd and unfamiliar to me. When I sit in the living room with my Daddy on Sunday afternoons, I realize how lonely it must be for him. This house is too big for us now. The space seems to have expanded somehow. And when I asked him today if talking about her makes him sad, I almost wish I didn't, because he looked away, trying not to cry.

Sometimes I wonder if it'll ever get easier. If I'll ever get used to it.

Stop this train

Two years ago, I stopped celebrating my birthday with a party. But my friends apparently had birthday party withdrawal and a boy had just broken my heart, so they threw me a surprise party. They told me, my birthday party was already a ritual (I've been having it since I turned 16.), a reunion. I couldn't not have it.

Last year, I cried on my birthday week. Cried every day of the week. Something about turning 25 depressed me. I don't know why. (I'm over that, don't worry.)

Fast forward to tonight, the eve of my 26th birthday, I am neither happy or sad. I guess, I'm grateful at best. November started out great for me and the blessings just keep on pouring. But part of me misses the time when two weeks before my birthday, I'd list down all my guests (which my mom would take and plan a menu around) and compose a text message to send out the weekend before the party. Mommy loved entertaining at home—no matter how much she'd rant while preparing for it. She'd prepare pasta with three different kind of sauces one year, and her yummy lasagna the next. We'd have a garage-full of people and back in high school, my friends and I would walk once around the village park and talk.

Now, I didn't even think of doing anything for my birthday. Not even lunch or dinner with family. All I really want to do is spend a few hours tomorrow with Mommy. Then, maybe bake myself birthday cupcakes.

At long last.

This is what she would tell me, "Bakit ngayon lang?" or maybe "Dapat lang."

And then, I'll just hear about it days later, that she's told all of our relatives and all of her friends, who probably don't care much. :P

Because that's how she is and I'll always remember to be.

In our house, we are never bida. But outside, she's mighty proud of us.

I miss you and I know we're extra blessed these days because of you.

Le sigh

Half asleep, I stupidly pressed delete all messages while browsing my inbox. I thought I was inside my sent messages folder, which I regularly empty out.

Sigh.

The oldest message I had there was from 2007. When I just got the phone, I think.

What I'm most bummed about is the only message I have saved from my mom. It was just two words: Good luck! Sent September 11, 2007.

Now my inbox is empty. I hope this isn't a sign of things to come this week.

Beaming with pride

Mommy is smiling right now. I just know it. (:

Let's pause for a MOMent

I remember our old house in Marikina. There was a sink in the garage-slash-backyard. Right across was our macopa tree.

And I remember this old picture taken there. I was in leotards and tights right beside my mom who was in sweat pants. We had our arms stretched out as if in dance class. That was my idea of ballet. I remember I wanted to be a ballerina so bad. I would ask my parents to take me to ballet school.

I never got around to taking ballet because, my mom would always tell me, my dad didn't want me to have no boobs and ugly toes. So yes, I am thankful, because I have non-ugly toes and... well, let's just say I don't exactly have little boy's chest. Haha! But I guess more than anything, I'm grateful because I had those "ballet lessons" in the garage with my mom. I don't remember much but I remember that picture. And I remember my smile.

Some people say it gets better and I want to believe that it does. But there are days when nothing else can make you feel better than a good cry.