Real Love

Sometimes, life surprises you and gives you family who are like friends, and friends who are like family. I'm happy I have the pleasure and privilege of having both.

But life is far from perfect and sometimes you need to deal with Judgy McJudgersons in this lifetime. Sometimes you want to get back at them, but realize, why stoop that low? Why give them the satisfaction of being "right." Even when they're not.

I know who I am and don't need to be told that I need to act a certain way to be called a certain name. My conscience is clear and I give my love freely to the people I, well, love. Because who wants a kind of love that is forced, that is dictated, that is decided by someone else? Is that even love at all?

I don't need to be showy. I don't need other people to know what I do when they're not looking. I don't need to announce that I've given someone something just so I can get someone else's affirmation that I'm being "good" to others. The person receiving that blessing is affirmation enough.

I've been struggling with a lot of pent-up emotions for the past year or so. It's disappointing when people you put in high regard, dismiss you as selfish or unapologetic or ungrateful. It's disappointing when they decide all of this based on what little they know of you. It's disappointing because they're family.

But instead of hurting them the way they've been hurting me, the only right way to go about it is to kill them with kindness.

Ten Things I'm Grateful For Tuesdays: Love (In Photos)

Scenes from my best friend's wedding. No, not the movie. A real, actual wedding!

Buy less, love more

I just finished shopping for half of my gifts, when I saw this video on Cecile's blog. Makes you think twice about heading to the mall and buying "toys they don't need" or "that sweater she won't like."

Like a summer's day in May

A song like this just makes me want to fall in love. d:

Sigh.

Yuck, cheesy. Ha ha! Hindi bagay.

forty days

up where there's no more pain, up where it's always happy and always light. up where we know you'll always be safe, and where you'll be able to make sure that we're safe, too. up where there are no worries and no regrets. that's where you belong because you're our angel.

we love you so so much. please don't worry about us, we will be fine. (:

Alone In A World Of Heartbreakers

Spoken like a true cynic, I know, but when you hear about couples fighting, arguing, breaking up, etcetera etcetera, you can't help but ask yourself, is it really worth it?

Maan was convincing me late this afternoon that The One will steal my heart away when I least expect it. I told her that it would be one amazing feat, because I'm already so jaded. Yeah, sure, I'm happy for my friends who are happy and in love and raring to get married. But me? I am fine not being wooed, not being fawned over. Sure, being in love is something I miss—especially all the thrilling parts of it (mush and cheese included)— but part of being in a relationship is the awful truth that you will get hurt or you will hurt someone one time or another. The question is, are you two strong enough to still be together despite the hurt you cause each other? In the first place, why would you even hurt each other?

I can wax poetic about lost loves and painful breakups, but I'll spare you because I'm... nice. d: I guess all I'm trying to say is, I'd rather be single than settle for anything less than what I deserve. I want the works: fluttering in my heart, dancing-on-air happiness, the inexplicable smile, all gestures (grand and small), tears (mostly of joy), and the promise of forever. Deep down inside me, there's still some hopeless romantic who writes letters to The One (she hasn't met yet, haha).

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Haha, I believe this entry is three weeks too early! Geez. So I guess I'm no cynic, after all. d:

From a list of 10

"A realization that this is the way my life is unraveling. There is no rule that says I cannot be 25 this way."

My biggest fear is to lose my parents. I was scared to death at the sight of my mom writhing in pain tonight. I am relieved that we are okay again. But more importantly, I am happy.

A little lamb lost

Because the weather is just the right kind of gloomy, I'll write about something I haven't been talking about for some time now.

I've always believed that your love life doesn't really define who you are. I'm not being bitter. Ha ha. It's just that I don't think you should be judged just based on whether you have a boyfriend/a husband/a partner/whatever-you-call-them-these-days or not. All of my twenty-four years (minus the few years I did manage to have a relationship), I've always been asked if I have a boyfriend, why don't I have one, isn't anyone courting me. Yes, those three questions, always in succession. Sometimes, I get tired of answering. Why is it hard to believe that I don't? Or that I don't really know why I don't have one. And that it is possible to not have someone pursue you at one point in your life. Why, are you supposed to have a suitor 24/7? 365 days a year? Because if you are, well, sorry. I was not informed.

It can get frustrating. Some people think you've given up and lost all hope and that's why you've turned into those people who would gladly stay single for the rest of their lives. But the truth is, you're just scared. Scared that everything is just one big cycle and you'll end up exactly the way you were before it started. So why bother?

I haven't lost all hope nor have I given up. I guess this time I'm just more cautious. My mom would always recite these lines to me, "Hindi hinahanap yun, dumadating." So I followed, waited patiently. It came but it also left. Some friends said you had to put some effort into it, make things happen. I tried that, too. And I only ended up getting my heart broken and it felt even worse than the first (two) time(s). So what's a girl to do?

I wait patiently and pray that someone will come and watch over me—eventually. Someone who, hopefully, is also patient and willing to wait. (:

When I was much younger, I'd always answer "25" when asked what my ideal marrying age would be. That's only three months away. Highly unlikely that a wedding will happen between today and the day I turn 25. d: But I do believe that someday, I will get to do that. (: First, I'll have to fall in love.

This is how my family does it

Nothing says I love you like a big booming voice that greets you in the mornings. Or a declaration at the supermarket that, yes, "I will buy maple-flavored bacon." Or a pair of new sneakers. Or lending the iBook when the room where the computer is is filled with college boys.

Nothing says I love you like three people in the same room not talking to each other because one is on the desktop PC, and the two others are on the laptops but willingly YM each other YouTube links. Or taking out the plug of the router to reset the connection. Or emailing various software to clean a computer that accidentally downloaded a virus disguised as a crack.

Nothing says I love you like a huge box of Cocoa Puffs and Cowhead milk. Or a few packs of your favorite Chicken Noodle soup. Or an issue of a magazine with you in it. Or a shirt that you didn't ask for but they bought, anyway.

It's great to hear I love you being said out loud but, honestly, actions still speak louder than words. (:

An open (love)letter

To whom it may concern,

I don't know if I've met you already or if I have yet to meet you. But I do know that when that time comes, we won't have to try so hard. It will feel natural and familiar. I won't need to explain myself and you won't need to prove yourself to me.

I will be my usual goody-two-shoes self and you'll put up with my sometimes-brattiness. You won't care that I don't like vegetables, but will secretly prepare a veggie dish disguised as some meat-looking entree. I'll make mix CDs for you even if sometimes, it'll be just a mix of three songs that I've been listening to the entire week. My YM status message will always be about you. You'll pick me up from work and won't care that I stink because I went to the gym. We'll eat pizza when I'm feeling bad and you'll treat me to ice cream. And we'll watch a movie just so I can hold your hand. :">

My family will ask about you and I won't need to convince them that you're good for me. You'll bring me home on Sunday afternoons to meet your family and we'll have dinner with mine. We'll take turns on weekends on which set of friends to hang out with. Maybe sometimes, we each spend time with a different set apart. To be missed will make us look forward to each other.

I won't care if we don't see each other for months, I know that you will eventually come home to me. I won't worry that you've forgotten about me, because you will always keep in touch—even if you will need to spend for postage to send letters to me.

We'll fight and we'll cry and we'll be miserable—but only for a while. We'll kiss and make up and realize our mistakes (whoever was wrong at the time) and forgive whoever was at fault.

I don't know if I've met you or we have yet to cross paths. But someday.. Someday, I know I will love you. (:

Love,
Me

* Happy Valentine's, everyone! (: I hope you're happy not just on the 14th but every single day that you're alive. Or that you've found at least one reason to be happy. (: