Real Love

Sometimes, life surprises you and gives you family who are like friends, and friends who are like family. I'm happy I have the pleasure and privilege of having both.

But life is far from perfect and sometimes you need to deal with Judgy McJudgersons in this lifetime. Sometimes you want to get back at them, but realize, why stoop that low? Why give them the satisfaction of being "right." Even when they're not.

I know who I am and don't need to be told that I need to act a certain way to be called a certain name. My conscience is clear and I give my love freely to the people I, well, love. Because who wants a kind of love that is forced, that is dictated, that is decided by someone else? Is that even love at all?

I don't need to be showy. I don't need other people to know what I do when they're not looking. I don't need to announce that I've given someone something just so I can get someone else's affirmation that I'm being "good" to others. The person receiving that blessing is affirmation enough.

I've been struggling with a lot of pent-up emotions for the past year or so. It's disappointing when people you put in high regard, dismiss you as selfish or unapologetic or ungrateful. It's disappointing when they decide all of this based on what little they know of you. It's disappointing because they're family.

But instead of hurting them the way they've been hurting me, the only right way to go about it is to kill them with kindness.

Brats

And by that, I don't mean the dolls with over-sized heads.

My parents meant well, I'm sure. Not letting us commute, having someone clean up after us, cook our meals, wash our clothes, make our beds. The list goes on.

I hate to say it but we've turned into brats. I'm not particularly proud of the fact. I wake up and instantly go downstairs without even thinking about the sheets I left crumpled and my pillows scattered on my bed. I've gotten used to eating breakfast and coming back to my room with my bed back in order. I don't put away my plate after eating. I don't think of what to cook for lunch or dinner. It's already cooked when I want to eat.

Fast forward to today. Our maid has left a few months ago, my cousin who stays with us and helps out around the house went back to the province, my dad's yayo isn't back from his province, and the driver went home to celebrate their town's fiesta. We have taken turns washing the dishes, putting away our clothes that are back from the laundry, and tidying up our rooms. I don't like washing dishes. Especially after a lunch of lechon kawali and lots of Mang Tomas. I don't like driving, I've realized. Or at least driving as a chore. I tried faking sleep just so I wouldn't have to drive—but eventually, I had to "wake up" because my Kuya was really asleep. I snapped at everyone who talked to me because I hated being asked to do something.

What a brat. I really wish I didn't turn out this way. It would be great if I knew how to get to work and not just by taking a cab. Or that I could go a week without my mom to cook food for me or have Laundry Express wash my clothes. I know my parents aren't to blame, but maybe them meaning well, kind of backfired.

Don't be selfish

A few weeks ago, I was in some sort of "trouble" at work. I was mad and I wanted certain things to happen to certain people. Obviously, those things never happened.

But early this week, I was told that something was done about it and I guess it doesn't feel so unfair anymore. I've decided to just put it behind me and remember to watch what I say and who I say it to. Definitely not people who like to twist stories and write about it.

I was really disappointed because this person was probably ten years older than me and older usually meant wiser. Apparently not. I guess there are just things that you expect of people and it doesn't turn out that way. Maybe because these people don't have the same values as you do. Or maybe they don't take things as seriously as you do. They don't care about trust. Or don't care about other people in general. All they care about is what they want.

On a totally unrelated note, people seem to be searching for the "Pob" a lot these days. At least that's what my tracker tells me. I saw Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn" on MTV earlier this week. Something tells me I'm going to get a hair cut again. Haha! I waaaant!

P.S.