Can't steal this happiness

I don't need you to tell me that I'm good at what I do. I know I am.

And well, if I can't do it literally, I'm going to kick ass with my work.

Because dammit, I deserve this. And so many other people, whose opinions I value, think I do, too.

Power of prayer

This is clearly something out of my hands now. I cannot change a person, but I can pray for the person.

Holy Week na nga naman. No more angst.

Also, it has to be mentioned, baking is the greatest de-stresser ever. I love you Banana Nutella Muffins with an extra special surprise! May you make my family happy tomorrow.

From a list of 10

"A realization that this is the way my life is unraveling. There is no rule that says I cannot be 25 this way."

My biggest fear is to lose my parents. I was scared to death at the sight of my mom writhing in pain tonight. I am relieved that we are okay again. But more importantly, I am happy.

Note to self: Breathe.

I am blessed to be able to witness such small surprises and tiny treasures in my life.

Everyday I try to teach myself to let go of all the "bad" things in my life. To just take a deep breath and let it go. But most of the time, when I'm stressed or feeling out of my element, I catch myself with tears welling in my eyes. It happened again this week, in front of my computer at work. But I took a deep breath, shook my head as if to wake myself up, and went on as if nothing had happened. Until someone noticed and asked if I was okay. After which followed this line: "At the end of the day, it's just work."

And it scared me because for a moment, I thought that it was all I had at the end of the day. Then, the weekend comes and I'm reminded of the wonderful life that I have in my family, my friends, and my passions.

There is more to my life than just work after all.

It hurts but it may be the only way

I'm not very adaptable to change, I've realized not so long ago. I'm good at convincing myself that I am but I'm really not. I try my best to act like it doesn't matter but every little thing gets to me.

When I was still in that show where I used to work, I was terrified when our team of four was suddenly just, well, me. I was going to be in charge of the work that was used to be done by four people. FOUR is totally not equal to one. When I finally got the hang of it, they announced that there would be two more people to join the team. Whaaat. I couldn't let go of my responsibilities. I had this constant urge to do more than what I was told to do—sometimes forgetting that other people are supposed to take care of them. I don't know if it's arrogance (haha, it probably is) but I was always scared that if something didn't go as planned, I would want to know how to explain why it didn't. And clearly, if I didn't do it, I wouldn't know how to explain that. (Now that I think about it, though, it sounds kind of dumb.)

Anyway, I had a feeling it would happen again this time around. A different job, there's no team, but I have the same feeling of not letting go. Of things I've been doing for more than a year now. But I think I'm slowly learning that this is part of the job. I can't go on doing everything by myself! (Hello, that's impossible.) And it's possible not to do everything by yourself but still know how to explain when things go wrong.

It's kind of strange that it still feels like more work now more than ever. (Haha, I used to have some time in between to do LJ-surfing. d: Now, it's just switching tabs of all Candy-related pages.) But this isn't me complaining. I'm actually happy that this job is still a huge challenge for me. I was scared that after a year, I'd get tired of it. I'm so happy that I'm not.

P.S.
Parang walang connect yung title ng entry ko sa sinulat ko. Hahaha! I just really, really like this song right now. And diba it hurts to let go? Labo. Give it a listen. (:

How close is too close?

At the end of the day when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other? It's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to. And once we've chosen those people we tend to stay close by—no matter how much we hurt them—the people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close, but sometimes that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

—Don't Stand So Close to Me, Grey's Anatomy 3x10

I was sitting in Church tonight like any other Saturday night. Spaced out as usual just as the priest was beginning his Homily. And then, in spurts I heard the words "ready" and "heart." Of course, the priest was talking about Christmas (it is after all the start of Advent). But for some reason my mind was drifting someplace else, which I know shouldn't be the case. What can you do, right?

Last night, Ñapie and Pete dropped by to pick up something from my house and we talked for a bit outside my house. I was telling Niña how I grew more and more disgusted (at myself? at him? I don't know.) with everything's that happened now that it's done. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think for even just one second that it could possibly turn out the way that it had. It had always been weird to everyone else, but I looked past that. Stupid? Risky? I'm not sure. It makes me do a double take and ask myself, "Is my heart really ready for this kind of beating?" I think it is but sometimes I'm not sure if I feel that it is. And so, here I am picking up the pieces yet again and I really have no one to blame but myself. I let it happen, I let myself be treated this way. It doesn't make it right. It doesn't lessen the hurt. But at least I don't spend my nights crying into my pillow.

Not to say that I've sworn off the opposite sex (haha) or that I refuse to get close to any of them. But maybe this time around, I pray, that when someone comes around, I'll feel that I'm ready. And I can only hope to God that this time, that person will be ready for me, too.

This emo post, my friends, was brought to you by Sugarfree, Snow Patrol, and Justin Timberlake. :P

The best kind

Everyone thinks I'm the nicest, sweetest person in the world. But seriously? I don't think I am. If anything, I'm just like anybody else—I have hissy fits, I can be rude, and I think about evil things happening to people I don't like or I'm not very fond of. I guess I'm just better than most people when it comes to self-control—most of the time, anyway.

It's the last month of the year. It's supposed to be my year. And for the past how many months, it really was. Up until my birthday. I guess it still is my year, just not as perfect as I thought it would be. But who wants perfect? Perfect is boring. At least my life is getting some sort of action, and a little drama. :P

Let's review the year that was. At the beginning of 2006, I was so frustrated with my job and I felt like I was just staying so I could say that I stayed for at least a year. When I think about it, six months into that job, I knew it was going nowhere. I endured getting blamed for mistakes that I didn't even commit, and doing other people's jobs. I hated it and I was so glad that I made the decision to leave. Sure, I learned a lot of things, but I couldn't see myself years down the line photocopying scripts and drafting contracts. I can't even believe I lasted that long there.

So when I finally left, I found a job that I love and was lucky enough to be part of the best team in the world! I love the people I work with—enough to call them friends. Even if there's a lot to be done at work, I don't mind, because I enjoy doing it. I find that there's still so much I can learn and that I have the potential to be better.

Then there's that risk that I took earlier this year. I don't regret making the choices I've made—how ever stupid they might seem to me now. I don't want to go through life asking myself "What if?" At least I tried and it's better than not knowing at all. I just wish it wasn't this hard. You know? You give so much of yourself only to be left in the end. It's sad and sometimes, you can't help but think, "What did I do wrong this time?" But life goes on, and I'm not about to sit around sulking and pitying myself. I'm so much better than that.

My biggest achievement to date is the fact that I'm actually able to help out my mom with finances. It's not a big amount, but I give her something regularly and I love the way their (my mom's and my dad's) faces light up during that time of the month. Maybe that's how I looked like when they used to give me my allowance for school. It's just such an accomplishment in itself and I can't help but be so proud. Hopefully, in the next year, I'll earn more and I'll be able to give them more.

I wanted to travel this year, but maybe that's got to wait until next year. My entire family got granted US Visas last month and hopefully, I'll be able to use it in the near future. I can't wait to visit all my friends who've flown out of the country and my relatives who I haven't seen in a while.

You know what? My life's been really good. And if I've encountered some bumps these past few weeks, it's absolutely alright. I'm still alive, right? A little broken, but that can't stop me from making the most out of the last few days of the year. This is my year. I'm going to make it happy.