It seemed like a dream, a beautiful scream

Where did September go? I can't believe we're already halfway through the month. It seems like days are bleeding into each other. The only punctuation marks are my first trip to La Union since grade school, the first successful high school reunion (29 attendees, 30 if you count the ones on phone patch), hello and goodbyes at work, and the dreaded move.

If I could have it my way, I'd stay put. I'm stubborn that way. But things keep changing and we need to move forward.

A few weeks ago, I was reminded of a mistake I made a few years back. And I couldn't believe that I still had so much hate in me. I decided that it's finally time to let it go. Maybe all this negative energy has been creating a negative force field around me. And it's been way too long for me to drag all this baggage around. Tama na. I thought I had already freed myself, but whenever I cringe at the thought of... the mistake, I realize maybe I haven't fully forgotten.

So tonight, in the middle of September, I say goodbye to that awful chapter of my life when I allowed myself to be used and to be treated in a way I never thought possible. I will never ever settle for less than what I truly deserve. And I will pray that I never have to.

Are You Okay?

While I appreciate the concern, sometimes I wish a day would pass when people would try not to feel sorry for me. Whenever someone asks me if I'm okay, I don't really know what to say. "I'm okay right now." or "I'm not, go away." I don't know.

Because I know I put up a strong front and people are surprised that I do; but when I'm alone, I still get sad. Everything plays back in my head and I can't stop it. I plug in my earphones in the car on the way to work. I turn on the TV the moment I step into my room. I hate dead silence, because the only thing that fills my mind is that Saturday. Everything that happened during that day, I remember. And I keep telling myself that it's okay. That I'll be okay. Some days, I believe it. Some days, I feel like I'm just repressing my feelings.

I haven't cried since I said good-bye to her that Saturday morning. I'm scared that one day, I'll just break down and lose it.

Good friends saying good-bye

In exactly one week, Lani will be boarding a plane out of the country. It still feels unreal, even if we already had a "despedida" (she refuses to call it that) last night at Ziggie's house. It feels unreal because just a few weeks ago, I was on the beach with her and we were planning to go on more adventures together. I still feel like she'll be with us on our beach trip next month. But by that time, she would've probably started design school, met new friends, and slowly adjusted to her new life for the next nine months.

Good luck, Lani! I hope you have an awesome time there. Niña and I will try to visit you when Alyn comes home this October. Whoo! International adventure? d: